


Letters to a Lost Love

by CaptainAmericasShield



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Everyone thinks Credence is dead, Graves is sad, Graves wants revenge, M/M, Mention of Percival Graves' past - late fiance, Original Percival Graves Needs a Hug, Percival Graves gets a therapy bowtruckle, Percival misses Credence, Seraphina and Percival are good friends, Some of Newt's creatures may show up eventually, Starts sad but there's a happy ending in there somewhere, Therapy letter writing, There is a brief mention of abuse and torture but it's very brief and only in the first chapter, There's fluff eventually, i just want my sons to be happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-09-21 05:59:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9534833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainAmericasShield/pseuds/CaptainAmericasShield
Summary: While in the hospital, Percival Graves is told that Credence is dead.  Once he goes back to work, he begins writing one-sided letters to deliver to Credence's grave once a month.  He knows Credence can't read them, but in a way, writing the letters provides a bit of closure.  The letters allow him to say what he was never able to say to Credence in person.  There is a happy ending, I swear.





	1. The First Letter

**Director Percival Graves**

**Department of Magical Security**

_15 March 1927_

_My dearest Credence,_

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry Grindlewald used you. I wish I could have done more. I should have fought harder; I shouldn’t have let him win. This is my fault. You deserved so much better. You went through more in your life than anyone should have to._

_I hate that I couldn’t have removed you from your abusive environment sooner. You deserved to be loved. You deserved to live with people who cared about you. I really did love you Credence, more than you’ll ever know. When they told me that you were dead, I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I could have helped you. I could have taught you. The Aurors overreacted. Ms. Goldstein and Mr. Scamander could have helped you. They could have taken care of you until I returned._

_I hate that I couldn’t have done more for you. I hate that Grindlewald used you and shattered your trust and hope. My one regret is that I never got to tell you how much you meant to me- how much I loved you. I want nothing more than to make this up to you. I want nothing more than to make this right- to help you learn to trust me again._

_I know Grindlewald took my face with the intention of using you to further his own cause. I hate that no one noticed I was missing sooner. I hate that this went on as long as it did. I don’t know how much longer I can work with these people. Ms. Goldstein told me that her and Mr. Scamander were able to help you and calm you down, but once the Aurors arrived, you were afraid and unable to control the obscurus. I don’t blame you. The Aurors didn’t know. They didn’t trust you. They weren’t willing to help you in the way Ms. Goldstein, Mr. Scamander and myself were. They saw you as a threat, and mistakenly saw the only solution as destroying you._

_I know you’ll never read this, but I think this is more for my sanity than anything else. It also gives me an opportunity to tell you the things I was never able to. If there was anything I could have done differently to prevent this from happening, I would. I would have made sure Grindlewald had never taken my place, and that he had never touched you- never harmed you.   I would have taken you out of that toxic environment and stopped your suffering sooner. There is so much I regret, so much I should have done differently. You’re free of pain now, but not in the way that I ever would have wanted. You deserved so much more in your life._

_Although you will never read this, I hope that you can recognize, wherever you are, that I do apologize, and I never thought any of this would happen. If you were still here, I would spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t have helped you more than I was able to. You were a miracle Credence, I just wish others could have seen that. I love you Credence, and I miss you every day, and I hope that when we do see each other again, you can forgive me and let me make everything up to you._

_Yours forever,_

_Percival Graves_

 

Graves was torn from his thoughts by a knock on his office door. He folded the letter up and put it in his top desk drawer before responding.

“Come in,” he said, just loudly enough for the person on the other side of the door to hear. The door opened, revealing Tina Goldstein.

“Sorry to bother you,” Tina said, walking in and closing the door behind her. She walked over to the desk and sat down in one of the leather chairs across the desk from him.

“Can I help you Ms. Goldstein?” he asked, looking up at her.

“Madame Picquery wanted me to come see how you were doing. This is only your second day back at work, and she’s worried about you.”

“She couldn’t have just come to see me herself?”

“She’s busy.”

“Busy? Or does she not trust me?”

It was no secret that the other Aurors around MACUSA were more cautious around him than they were before. Graves didn’t blame them. They probably thought he had been manipulated by Grindlewald and no longer had the best interests of the department in mind anymore.

“I- I’m not sure Mr. Graves.”

“You don’t trust me either Ms. Goldstein?”

“With all due respect Mr. Graves, no one knows what Grindlewald really did to you. The healers aren’t sure, and you’ve refused to say.”

“Can anyone blame me for not wanting to talk about it?”

“No sir, but a lot of Aurors think you’re hiding something.”

“Do you?”

“Do I what sir?”

“Think I’m hiding something?”

“No sir. I think you’re not talking about it because you want to forget about it.”

Graves sighed. She was right. He would do anything to be able to forget what Grindlewald had done to him- the torture to get information from him, the starvation, and the cruciatus curse. He wanted to forget the cruciatus curse the most. He wanted forget the pain.

“The only reason I was able to put up with as much as I did was because I wanted to protect Credence. My one regret is that I wasn’t able to do that. I know you and Mr. Scamander tried, but I guess there was nothing you could have done.”

“You did everything you could to help him, to protect him, and Newt and I did as well. In the end, I guess the Aurors just saw him as too much of a threat.”

“He’s dead because of me.”

“That’s not true Mr. Graves. The Aurors acted in a way they felt would be the most beneficial to both the wizarding and no-maj communities.”

“Did they really think the best way to do that would be killing a frightened young man who didn’t know what was happening?”

“They must have thought he did know. I do agree with you though, they should have given him a chance, tried to help him.”

“They had no idea what he was going through. They never took the time to learn.”

“I know you’re upset with how the Aurors dealt with Credence Mr. Graves, but what’s done is done, and at this point, there’s really nothing we can do.”

“Credence didn’t deserve this.”

“And I agree with you. I just wish we could have done more,” Tina said, standing up to leave. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to keep you any longer.”

“Don’t worry about it Ms. Goldstein. I needed the distraction.”

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to make your life easier while you readjust to work.”

“Thank you Ms. Goldstein.” Graves said, looking down at the massive pile of paperwork on his desk. “I may take you up on that offer,” he added, looking back up at her.

Tina smiled and walked over to the door and opening it, turning back to Graves before she left.

“Let me know, I don’t mind paperwork most of the time.”

Graves nodded. “Thank you Ms. Goldstein.”

Once Tina had left and closed the door behind her, Graves opened the drawer and pulled the letter back out. He opened it, looked over it one last time and folded it back up, sticking it in his coat pocket.

Graves picked up his wand and put it in his other pocket, then walked over to the door. He opened the door and walked into the hallway, closing the door behind him and making sure it was locked. Sighing, he walked up the stairs into the lobby of MACUSA. He didn’t want people to know what he was doing, _especially_ not any of the Aurors who had been directly responsible for Credence’s death.

“Where are you going Mr. Graves?” Graves heard a voice behind him call.   Silently groaning, he turned around and sighed.

“Out Abernathy,” he snapped, sounding harsher than he intended to. “Sorry,” he added more softly when he noticed Abernathy tense up. “I’m still a bit on edge.”

“That’s alright, Mr. Graves. How long will you be out? I think Picquery wants to talk to you later.”

“Tina already came by to check on me for her, so unless something has come up in the past ten minutes, I think I’m fine.”

Abernathy nodded. “I’ll let you be on your way.”

Graves turned and left without another word. As irritating as Abernathy could be, he did have his moments. He walked quickly to avoid confrontation with any other MACUSA employee. Fortunately, because of the Grindlewald incident, people seemed to avoid him.

_‘The only good thing to come out of this damn ordeal,’_ he thought to himself, walking out the front door and into the busy streets of New York.

The ceremony for Credence had been small, only Tina, Queenie, Newt and himself. They seemed to be the only ones who believed that the Aurors had acted prematurely. The cemetery was not too far from MACUSA headquarters, so he could easily walk. It was a nice day anyway, it would have been a shame to waste it.

When he arrived at the cemetery, he walked to the back where Credence was essentially buried. There was no body, so the group elected to bury a box with photos instead. When he arrived, Percival knelt down and conjured a bouquet of dark blue carnations to place on the grave. He took the letter out of his pocket and placed it gently next to the flowers.

“I’m sorry Credence,” he whispered, staring at the ground. That was all he could think of to say. He didn’t think there was anything else he _could_ say. Graves found it to be calming, kneeling next to what memories remained of the man he loved. Even though he had been taken off the Grindlewald case, he vowed to get revenge on the man who had taken Credence’s trust, built it up, then broke it with a few simple phrases. He had given Credence someone he could trust- someone who actually cared, then caused him to go back to feeling like no one had ever cared. It was that information that gave him the motivation to go back and fight, and the motivation to find and destroy Grindlewald, with or without MACUSAs help.


	2. The Second Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your Kudos and reviews :) I'll try to have a chapter up every week if school permits.

**Director Percival Graves**

**Department of Magical Security**

_15 April 1927_

_My Dearest Credence,_

_Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. Not a day goes by where I’m not missing you. Ms. Goldstein has been helping me with my paperwork, and I’m still not caught up. The pile seems to be getting bigger instead of smaller. There must have been no other Aurors who could have done any of the paperwork after the Grindlewald incident. Of course they decided it would be better if I did it._

_Mr. Scamander has been allowing me to visit his creatures. They have proven to be quite therapeutic. A bowtruckle decided to sneak out of the case in my pocket- I didn’t notice him for at least fifteen minutes. Mr. Scamander told me I could keep the creature as long I needed to, as long as I took care of him – a therapy bowtruckle if you will.   I’ve decided to name him Crann – it’s the Irish word for tree, and it just seemed to make sense._

_No one here trusts me anymore. I think they believe that, for whatever reason, I’m still Grindlewald. Even though he’s still locked up, and I’ve been back at work for over a month, they still don’t believe me. They’re afraid of me. I will admit, it is nice being left alone, but it would be nice if people trust me. I think that the only people here who trust me are the Goldstein sisters and Seraphina Picquery._

_Even though I don’t always leave letters, I visit you almost every day. They say time heals all wounds, but as time goes on, I start to believe that less and less. I don’t know if my wounds will ever heal. Between the physical and emotional scars, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I’ve been told I should have taken more time off to recuperate, but at this point, work is all I have. Before, I had you, but now, work is the only thing I have. I have been considering quitting, but at this point, quitting would mean I would have nothing. The only benefit of work is that it takes my mind off the pain – physical and emotional._

_I love you Credence. I know I said in the previous letter, but I will continue to say it. I know saying this won’t bring you back, and I know it won’t make up for the times I should have told you but didn’t._ _I care about you Credence. I care about you more than you’ll ever know. I just wish I had the opportunity to tell you this in person. I guess the only benefit of this is that is makes me feel a little better – not that it helps much. I should have told you. I should have let you know that I love you and care about you. You died feeling alone, like the whole world was against you. I know Grindlewald used my face to betray your trust, and I regret every day that I let him win._

_I’ve taken it upon myself to defeat him. I will defeat him, I promise. I will defeat him for you. And if I die on my mission, at least we can be together again. I would consider that a victory._

_Yours forever,_

_Percival Graves_

Graves took a deep breath and folded the letter, opening a desk drawer and putting the letter in. He would go out and deliver it later. For now, he just needed some time to think.

 _‘Credence deserved better,’_ he thought _‘I could have done something, but I didn’t.’_

He had been told he couldn’t have known, that there’s nothing he could have done, but he refused to believe that. He felt like he could have done something. He should have recognized the young man’s power sooner. If he had only realized sooner, maybe, just maybe, Credence wouldn’t be dead. He had sworn to protect the young man, and he failed. Even if by some miracle Credence did forgive him, he didn’t think he could ever forgive himself.

He felt something moving on his left shoulder and turned his head to see what it was. Crann, his ‘therapy bowtruckle,’ as Newt had coined him, had climbed out of his pocket and up onto his shoulder.

Although a bowtruckle didn’t seem like the type of creature that could be used as a therapy animal, Graves enjoyed the company. It was nice to have a companion, a friend even, to help keep him sane.

He lifted his right hand to his shoulder and let the small creature run onto his hand, then up his arm and onto his other shoulder. The bowtruckle was a nice distraction, and he was grateful to Newt for allowing him to keep the creature as long as he needed to.

“Sorry to bother you Mr. Graves,” a voice said from his doorway. Crann ran down his arm and scrambled into his pocked, only sticking his little head out.

Graves started making a habit of keeping his office door open when he was there, hoping it would allow people to see he was not a threat and start trusting him again. He figured the reason no one noticed he was gone was because he was a quiet man who tended to keep to himself. While keeping his door open was not a big step forward, it was a step nonetheless.

“What can I do for you Ms. Goldstein?” Graves asked, looking up.

“Madame Picquery wants to see you,” Queenie said, taking a step into his office.

Graves sighed. “Do you know what she wants?” _‘Or why she couldn’t have come down here herself?’_ he thought.

“No Mr. Graves, sorry. She just wanted me to tell you she wanted to see you when you have a chance.”

“May as well go now. It will take my mind off this paperwork I guess,” he said, gesturing to the ever-growing pile of papers on his desk. “Your sister has been helping me. In fact, she’s coming in around,” he paused and looked at the clock on his desk, “two hours or so.”

“You want me to come and help too?”

“If you’d like, you are more than welcome to. I wouldn’t mind the help. Besides, I could use the company. Most of MACUSA doesn’t trust me at this point, so I have to stick with the very few that do.”

“Of course I wouldn’t mind. I’ll come down with my sister.”

“Thank you Ms. Goldstein, your help is appreciated.”

“You’re welcome.” Queenie looked at the clock. “I’ll let you go so you can meet with Picquery,” she said, turning to walk back out the door.

“Ms. Goldstein.”

“Yes Mr. Graves?” she asked, turning around to face him.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Queenie said with a smile, turning back around and walking out of the office, leaving Graves alone with his thoughts.

Percival opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled the letter out, unfolding it, reading it over again, then folding it back up and putting in the pocket not currently occupied by Crann. He decided he would visit Credence after he met with Picquery. Picking his wand up from his desk, he walked out the door, made sure it was locked, and turned to head towards the president’s office. He walked up the stairs into the MACUSA lobby and turned to go down the hallway that led to her office. When he got there, he knocked on the door and waited for a response.

“Come in,” a soft voice on the other side of the door replied.

Graves opened the door and walked in, taking a seat across from the president.

“You wanted to see me?” he asked, putting his wand in the pocket with the letter and looking up at her.

“I did. I just wanted to check to see how you were doing.”

“People here don’t trust me, and I have a stack of paperwork that seems to be getting bigger every day, how do you think I’m doing?”

Picquery sighed. “I am sorry about that, I’ll send future paperwork to other Aurors in the department so you can finish the stack on your desk and take a bit of a break from paperwork. I didn’t know there would be so much.”

“Both Goldstein sisters have offered to help me so the work would get done faster.”

“It’s good that you have help.”

“They’re the only two Aurors in this place that trust me.”

“They’ll come around Percival, don’t worry.”

“I don’t know. They’re avoiding me. All of the Aurors are actively trying to avoid me. They think I’m still him.”

“The important people don’t.”

“I can’t do my job if the Aurors in my department don’t trust me. This entire job is about trust Seraphina, I would think you would know that.”

“Give it another week, and if they still don’t trust you, I will talk to them.”

“Why not talk to them now?”

“Just give them time Percival.”

“Fine. One week. Like I said, I can’t do my job unless the Aurors in my department trust me. Anything else?”

“Tina said you’re still upset about the obscurial.”

“He was innocent Seraphina. I could have taught him. He would have been able to control it.”

“He seemed afraid of you.”

“That was Grindlewald’s doing. He trusted me. Grindlewald used that against him. I promised him when I got back from Europe I would help him. I should have recognized his powers sooner. I could have helped him.”

“He caused quite a bit of destruction.”

“He was afraid. He didn’t fully understand what was going on. There was no way he could have known. All he knew was that there was a dark power he didn’t know what to do with. You should have let Ms. Goldstein and Mr. Scamander talk to him, calm him down and take care of him. He didn’t have to die Seraphina.”

“You know I only did what I thought would be in the best interest of the wizarding and no-maj communities.”

“I am aware of that. There were other ways you could have gone about it.”

“If we hadn’t made the decision we did, we wouldn’t have realized you weren’t you.”

“Someone would have figured it out eventually.   My point is, Credence didn’t have to die. There are people who would have taken care of him.”

“As much as I know you probably don’t want to hear this, I don’t regret my decision.”

“Are you done with me?”

“I am. I will talk to the Aurors for you if nothing has changed in a week.”

“Fine,” Percival said softly, standing up and storming towards the door.

“Percival,” Picquery called from behind him.

“What,” he responded his voice laced with impatience and anger.

“I do wish we could have saved the young man.”

“You just said you didn’t regret your decision.”

“While I don’t regret the decision I made, I do wish we had another choice, and I really do wish we could have saved him. You’re right, he could have been taught, but there were too many people in both the wizarding and the no-maj communities at risk.”

“It’s my fault isn’t it?”

“Percival, it’s not your fault, and you know that.”

“I shouldn’t have let Grindlewald win. He took out an entire team Seraphina. I feel like I could have done more.”

“Grindlewald was more powerful than I anticipated. I should have sent more people. We lost a lot of good people that day, and that’s something I have to live with. If this entire ordeal can be blamed on anyone, it should be blamed on me. I’m the one who sent under-prepared teams. I’m the one who should have sent more people. You fought as hard as you could Percival. No one should blame you for that. I think the only one who blames you is you.”

Graves looked at the floor. “I still blame myself for what happened to Credence. If I had recognized his power sooner, if I had taken him out of that abusive household before I went to Europe, maybe none of this would have happened, maybe he wouldn’t be dead.”

“I know you took it upon yourself to protect him, but what’s done is done. I know you regret not seeing the power sooner, but there’s nothing that can be done now.”

“He deserved better.”

“I know. I know, the Goldstein sisters know, Mr. Scamander knows- we also know that you did all you could. You and Ms. Goldstein both did everything you could. All we can do know is move forward, and continue doing everything we can to prevent something like this from happening again.”

Graves nodded, saying nothing. “I- I should probably go. The Goldstein sisters will be in my office in less than an hour, and I have something I need to do before then.”

“I will let you go. Please, if you need anything, or if the Aurors continue to not trust you, let me know and I will take care of it.”

“Thank you Seraphina,” he said, turning around and leaving the office, closing the door behind him.

He had to hurry.   He didn’t want to, and he was sure the Goldstein sisters would understand if he was a minute or two late.

When he got out of the MACUSA building, he paused. As much as he wanted to walk, he figured apparition would be faster. It would allow him more time visiting Credence, and he could just apparate directly back to his office afterwards. He took a deep breath, pictured Credence’s grave in his mind, and disappeared with a soft *crack*.   Appearing at the grave seconds later, he immediately knelt down and revived the wilted carnations Queenie had insisted on planting the week before.

He wished Credence wasn’t dead. He wished he could talk to him again, and could take the time to teach him. He wished the young man had known how much he was loved and cared for.

Percival took the letter out of his pocket and placed it next to the flowers.

“You didn’t deserve this Credence. No one deserves to go through what you did,” he said, placing his hand on the headstone. “I should have done more. I shouldn’t have let Grindlewald win. If I hadn’t let him win, you wouldn’t be dead. I wish there had been a different option. You deserved so much better than the life you had. If I could go back, I would have gotten you out of that environment sooner, I would have made sure you had a better life. I know all of this is wishful thinking, but I can’t help it. If anyone should be dead right now, it should be me, not you. Everyone tells me it’s a miracle that I’m still alive right now, with everything Grindlewald did to me. You didn’t deserve to die Credence.”

Every time he went to visit Credence, the need to find and destroy Grindlewald grew stronger. There was something different this time, something he didn’t have before. Last time, it was supposed to be a simple mission, no one had to worry about not going home. This time, he had someone to fight for.

 


	3. The Third Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I took so long getting this out. I've been swamped with school and my team (workouts and practices), and I haven't had much time to work on this. I will hopefully get the next chapter out by the end of the months.

**Director Percival Graves**

**Department of Magical Security**

_15 May 1927_

_My Dearest Credence,_

_I still miss you every day.  I haven’t stopped thinking about you, and I don’t think I ever will.  You were an incredible young man Credence, you deserved a life so much better than the one you had.  You didn’t deserve to be abused, you didn’t deserve to be used by a man bearing my face.  You didn’t deserve to die.  You were so young, you had so much potential, you had so much more life in front of you._

_The Aurors still don’t trust me.  They’re starting to become willing to work with me, which is definitely a start.  It’s been three months since I’ve been back, at this point, if people still think I’m Grindelwald, maybe I’m doing something wrong.  He caused a lot of damage, some irreparable  If he hadn’t impersonated me, the Aurors would still trust me, and most importantly, you would still be alive.  People, mainly the Goldstein sisters, Mr. Scamander and Seraphina, keep telling me not to blame myself.  I can’t help it.  Who am I supposed to blame if I can’t blame myself?  People would suggest Grindelwald, but I still blame myself for letting him win._

_So many innocent people died because of that monster, people who didn’t deserve to die.  My mission in Europe was supposed to be a simple one.  No one was supposed to have to worry about not coming home.  I feel responsible for every life that was lost over there.  It was my team, I was responsible for ensuring they made it home safely._

_Ms. Goldstein was able to find a picture of you from one of the no-maj newspapers.  She cut it out and gave it to me to keep on my desk.  Every time I look at it, my heart breaks.  You were too young to die.  You didn’t deserve this.  No one deserves to die this young.  I just wish you were here with me.  I just wish I could have done more to help you, to save you.  If you were here, I promise I would do everything in my power to make this up to you._

_I wish I could make this up to you.  I wish I could see you and tell you that everything will be okay.  I wish I could have done more to save you.  I miss you more than you know, and I swear we will be together again, and I will make everything up to you._

  _Yours forever,_

_Percival Graves_

 

They lied. They said it would get better, nay, easier, as time went on.  It hadn’t.  It hadn’t gotten any easier.  In fact, he found himself missing the young man more and more with each passing day.  The paperwork was almost done, and he was almost sad to see the pile go.  He used work as a distraction.  If he didn’t have work, he didn’t have anything.  As much as he didn’t want to admit, he almost _wanted_ to be swamped.  More work meant less time to be alone with his thoughts.  More work meant less time to think about Credence.  Even though it had been six months, it still hadn’t gotten an easier.  He still blamed himself.  He knew he shouldn’t, but he needed someone to blame, and it was just easiest to default to himself.  He didn’t want to get anyone else involved.

He tried throwing himself into his work, but with his Aurors _still_ not trusting him, it proved to be more difficult than he anticipated.  He was never quite able to fully immerse himself in his work, and found his mind wandering back to the young man with the sad eyes and the burden no man his age should ever have to bear.  He knew he could have helped Credence, he was just never given the chance.

Percival stood up and picked the newspaper clipping and the letter up off of his desk.  He had decided to take the day off to take some personal time, which was very rare for him, but with everything he had been through when he was Grindelwald’s prisoner, no one seemed to mind. He locked his office and walked up to the lobby, intentionally trying to avoid people.  Most of the MACUSA employees _still_ avoided him, so he was able to leave quietly, without having to interact with anyone.   He turned left once he exited the building, taking the long route to the cemetery, deliberately making sure he walked past the now abandoned church where Credence once lived.  It had been abandoned for months, Tina had told him, ever since Mary Lou had been killed.  If she wasn’t already dead, Percival would have made sure to kill her himself for everything she had done to Credence.  When he got to the church, he paused for a moment, then continued walking.  The church was still in ruins- it was obvious no one cared enough to fix it.

When he arrived at the cemetery, he walked, on autopilot, to Credence’s grave, then knelt down next to it.  He placed the letter in front of the headstone, and revived the wilted carnations.

“Well,” he began softly, “things aren’t getting much better.  Aurors still don’t trust me, and you’re still gone.  The pile of paperwork is almost gone- I don’t know what I’m going to do when it finally disappears.  I’m trying to throw myself into my work, but it’s not easy, and it’s not helping me stop blaming myself for what happened to you.  I’m thinking of taking a trip.  I need some personal time, and I figure it might be good to get out of the city.  I don’t know where I should go yet, I may go to Britain and visit an old friend.  That may take too long though, and I don’t want to take any more time off than I need to.”

“Take as much time as you need Percival,” a voice behind him said softly.

Graves turned his head to look towards the voice and was surprised to see Seraphina Picquery standing behind him.

“How long have you been here?”

“Not long, I just got here actually.  Ms. Goldstein told me I would likely find you here.  She said you come here a lot, sometimes with her and her sister, sometimes with the two of them and Mr. Scamander, but mostly alone.”

“I feel like I owe him somebody who cares.  I couldn’t give him that when he was still alive, and I regret that.  The least I can do is show him I really did care.”

“You know this isn’t your fault Percival,” Seraphina said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I know.  I just feel that I need to blame someone, and the easiest person to blame is myself.”

“If you want to blame anyone, you should blame me.  I’m the one that gave the kill order.”

“I can’t do that to you Seraphina.  I shouldn’t have let Grindelwald win.  None of this would have happened if I had fought harder.”

“You did everything you could have done.  I guess Grindelwald was much more powerful that I realized.  I should have sent more people.”

“Seraphina, don’t blame yourself.  I should have gone in with a better strategy.”

“How about we share the blame.  That way, you’re not just blaming yourself, and I take some of the blame.”

Graves nodded, standing up.  “That’s fair.”

“When were you planning on leaving?”

“Tomorrow if I can.  I’ll probably take a month just because it takes so long to get there.”

“Of course.  As I said, take as much time as you need.  I still don’t think you took enough time off before you came back to work.  I won’t set an authorized length of time just so you don’t feel the need to rush back.”

“Thank you Seraphina.”

“You’re welcome.  While you’re gone, I can make sure either one of the Goldstein sisters, Mr. Scamander or myself comes and revives the carnations.”

“Thank you, that means a lot.”

“You are one of my closest friends Percival, I hate seeing you suffer like this.”

“I’ll be fine Seraphina, I think some time out of the country will do me some good.  Hopefully, it will help take my mind off of things.”

“I think leaving the country will help you.  Send me an owl if you need anything when you’re gone.”

“I will, thank you.  You think the rest of the people at MACUSA will be able to hold the fort down when I’m gone?”

Seraphina smiled.  “I think we’ll be fine.”

“I suppose I should go pack if I’m leaving in the morning,” Graves said, starting to walk towards the exit.

“I suppose you should.  And Percival?”

Graves stopped and turned back around to face Seraphina.  “Yes?”

“Be careful and try not to think too much about this.”

“I’ll try, thank you Seraphina.  Good luck with the Aurors.”

“I don’t know if I’ll need it, but thank you.”

Graves walked to the exit with Seraphina, bid her one last farewell, and walked to his apartment to begin packing.  He wasn’t too keen about taking any more time off than he needed to, but God knew he needed the break from work.  He hoped that some time out of the country would help lessen the pain, though he knew that the pain of losing Credence would never truly fade.


	4. The Fourth Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this one out as soon as I could. I tried to get it out earlier, but formatting hated me, so I had to retype the chapter. This chapter is brought to you from a plane over the State of Montana.

**Director Percival Graves**

**Department of Magical Security**

_15 June 1927_

_My Dearest Credence,_

_London has been wonderful, though I can imagine it would be even more wonderful if you were here.  I took this trip to help distract me from your death, but I can’t ignore it.  I can’t stop thinking about what happened to you.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget. If you were here, I would bring you back to London.  It truly is a beautiful city and the laws regarding the wizarding community and no-majs are much more relaxed.  You would love it here.  There’s so much you didn’t get to do, so much you didn’t get to learn, and for that, I blame myself._

_It has been nice visiting my friend though.  He’s been helping to try and distract me, even though I am not sure it’s doing too much.  He’s been my friend since the war.  From what Ms. Goldstein said, you’ve briefly interacted with his brother Newton Scamander.  I am grateful to Theseus for letting me stay with him on such short notice.  I didn’t even realize I was going to London until the day before I left.  I’m also quite thankful Seraphina allowed me to take an extended break from work.  I guess she just didn’t want me killing myself with work.  At least if the work killed me, I would be able to see you again.  I could apologize to you for everything that happened to you, for everything Grindelwald did to you._

_It’s been seven months since I was rescued from the dark basement where Grindelwald was holding me.  Seven months since I found out MACUSA allowed you to be killed.  Seven months since I found out you were gone.  The news killed me, more than I think anyone realized.  You didn’t deserve this, any of this.  You were too young to die.  I know I’ve probably mentioned that in a previous letter, but I can’t help but to reiterate the fact.  You did nothing wrong Credence.  You did nothing to deserve the hell you were forced to call a life.  I wish I could have done more for you Credence.  I wish you had more time.  You are more powerful than you ever knew, more powerful than I originally thought.  You had so much potential, and I regret that I couldn’t help._

_Theseus suggested traveling around the rest of the United Kingdom.  He has friends all over the UK, so he volunteered to go with me.  He said it would help take my mind off what happened to you.  We leave tomorrow.  I know by the time I deliver this I’ll already be back in New York, but I was told to write everything, so write everything I will.  I’ve been told Scotland is beautiful this time of year.  I’ll tell you all about it in my next letter.  Maybe Seraphina was right.  Maybe this will help me.  I will never forget you though.  No matter what I do to try and move on, I will never forget you, I will never forget how you helped me, how you changed my life.  You will always be in my heart, and I will love you until the day I die and beyond._

_Yours forever,_

_Percival Graves_

 

“Who are you writing?” Percival heard a voice approaching him from behind ask.

“No one Theseus,” he responded quickly, tucking the letter into his jacket.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

“Well. if you ever decide you do, let me know.  I’ve been told I’m a good listener.

Graves sighed.  Maybe talking to someone would help.  Then again, nothing else had helped as of yey, so what good could talking about it possibly do?

“I don’t know Theseus.  Nothing anyone else has suggested has been doing any good.  Even these letters are only barely helping.”

“Letters?” Theseus asked, sitting on the couch next to the desk where Graves was sitting.

“I’ve been writing letters once a month to Credence.  I was told it would help by getting me to write the things I was never able to tell him while he was alive.”

“And you said they’ve barely been helping?”

“I don’t know Theseus.  I mean, it does help a bit because I can say the things I never told him in person, but at the same time, it makes me regret not being able to save him even more.”

“I know he would forgive you Percival.  Newton told me what happened.  It sounds like there was nothing you could have done.”

“I know, but I still feel there is more I could have done.”

“I thought the whole point of your trip here was to take your mind off of things.”

Graves sighed.  “I know Theseus, I’m sorry.  I guess getting my mind off this is going to be more difficult than I anticipated.  It’s been seven months, and I’m still not able to take my mind off what happened.  Credence deserved a life so much better than the one he had.”

“Newton told me about the adoptive mother.”

“She was a vile woman, and if she wasn’t already dead, I would go and kill her myself,” Percival growled.

“How did she die?”

“The obscurus- Credence killed her.  She deserved it.  She abused all of the children she adopted, but Credence always received the worst of it for reasons I cannot even _begin_ to comprehend.”

“Well, at least she won’t be able to hurt anyone anymore.”

“I just wish I could have gotten him out of there sooner.”

“Percival, I know you want to think there is something you could have done, but from what I’ve heard, you did everything you could.  If you’ve done everything you can in any situation, that’s really all you can do.  Please don’t feel a need to blame yourself,” Theseus said softly, walking back over to Graves and putting a hand on his shoulder.  “I know he meant a lot to you.”

“He changed my life Theseus.  He made me a better person.  The least I could have done was protect him, but I couldn’t even do that.”

“I don’t think Credence would want you to blame yourself.”

“I don’t know about that.  He probably despises me.”

“Because of Grindelwald?”

“How can he not?  Grindelwald took my face and abused Credence’s trust.  The last memory he has of Percival Graves is someone who built up his trust only to throw him in the dirt once he had what he needed.  That’s not who I am.  That’s not how I wanted him to remember me.”

“I’m sure if you were ever able to explain that to him, he wouldn’t despise you.  I think he would understand.”

“All I want to do is explain that the Graves he knew in the end wasn’t me- I would never betray his trust the way Grindelwald did, and I will do everything I can to make it up to him.  He didn’t deserve to be treated the way Grindelwald and his adoptive mother treated him.  No one ever deserves to be treated like that.”

“I completely agree.  No one deserves to be abused for who they are.”

After a brief moment of silence, Percival responded.  I just wish I could have done more for him,” he sighed.

“I know you do Percival.  Listen, I don’t want to sound like the bad guy, and I’m really not trying to, but I think you should find different ways to take your mind off of this. I’m not saying you should forget about Credence, I’m just saying you should at least try to move past blaming yourself.  Blaming yourself isn’t going to bring him back, it’s just going to upset you more.”

Graves sighed.  “I’ll try, but at this point, I’m not going to guarantee anything.”

“And that’s okay.  I know loss can take a while to recover from, and I think for you, the first step is going to be forgiving yourself.  If you forgive yourself, I think you’ll start to be able to accept what happened.”

“I don’t know Theseus, I mean-”

“I know it won’t be easy for you just because of who you are, but promise me you’ll at least try,”

Graves looked down at the floor, then back up at Theseus.  “I promise.”

“Like I said, I’m not trying to force you to forget, I’m just trying to see if I can find a way to help ease the pain for you.”

“Thank you Theseus.  For all of this, especially letting me stay with you on such short notice,”

“You know I’ll do anything to help a friend,” Theseus responded with a smile.

Percival returned the smile, then stood up from the desk.  “It’s getting late,” he finally said after a moment of silence. “I’m going to try and get some sleep.  What time did you want to leave in the morning?”

Theseus thought for a moment. “There’s a train that leaves at 8:30, so maybe up by 6?”

“That’s fine.  You may have to come wake me up.”

Theseus laughed.  “You never really were a morning person.  I see that still hasn’t changed.”

Graves smiled. “And I’m assuming you’re still a morning person?”

“Always have been and always will be.”

“Good night Theseus,” Percival said with a soft laugh.

“Good night Percival,” Theseus said as Graves got up from the chair and started walking to the door. “Oh, one last thing,” he called to him as he was about to reach the door.

Graves turned around. “Yes?”

“It will get easier, I promise.”

“I hope you’re right,” Graves said, turning back around and walking to the spare room where he had been living for the past month.

When he entered the room, he took the letter out of his pocket and put it in one of the many side pockets of his bag.  He made a mental note to deliver that one when he delivered the next one.  He didn’t think it would get any easier, but for his sanity, he desperately hoped Theseus was right, and that it would, in fact, eventually get easier.


	5. The Fifth Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, school has been really busy and I've had a lot of shit going on. Also, since I apparently love to write on long trips now, this chapter is brought to you from a bus somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania.

**Director Percival Graves** ****  
**Department of Magical Security** ****  
  


  
  


_ 15 July 1927 _ __  
_ My Dearest Credence, _ __  
  


_ The trip around the U.K. was incredible. I’ve made a note to go back sometime. You would have loved it. Summers are very mild, it was quite lovely. Theseus was very kind to let me stay with him and to take me around the U.K. to help me take my mind off of things. I must be honest, it did help a bit. While I don't think I'll ever be able to fully forgive myself, I think I've made a small start over the past month. I suppose I can't blame myself for everything.   _

_ You never deserved this.  No one ever does.  You have done nothing wrong, yet that wretched woman who called herself a mother saw the smallest flaws in everything you did.  She used that as a reason to justify the horrible things she did to you.  I just wanted to help you, I just wanted to make sure you were happy.  I just wanted to protect you, and I couldn’t even do that.   _

_ I’m sorry Credence.  I’m sorry I failed you, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.  I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you the life you deserve.  I’m sorry I didn’t do more.  I could have taught you.  I could have taught you to control this power you have inside you.  I could have helped you. _

_ It was a moment of weakness.  I thought the Aurors that were with me were more competent.  I thought we were going to be fine.  We weren’t.  I let myself be defeated.  I let my guard down, and that was when he took me.  I don’t remember much about my time as Grindelwald’s prisoner.  The only thing I do remember was the pain.  It got to the point where I felt death was the better alternative.  I wanted to die.  The pain was too great for me to think straight.  I don’t know how many times I was on the verge of death, but there were times where it seemed better than the hell I was living in. _

_ I forced myself to put up with it.  I forced myself to live through the pain.  There was only one thing keeping me alive, one thought that helped me survive.  That one thought was you Credence.  I hoped that once I got out of my personal hell, I could come back.  I could come teach you.  I could help you control your power.  You are more powerful than you know Credence.  With proper teaching, you could very well become one of the most powerful wizards I have ever met.  There has never been an obscurial documented as living past the age of 10.  You doubled that age Credence.  You are a miracle Credence, and you deserved to know that. _

 

_ Yours forever, _

_ Percival Graves _

  
  


While the lengthy vacation to the United Kingdom definitely helped, at least a little, Percival still felt that he was somewhat responsible for the death of the young obscurial.  A young man who never deserved to die, never deserved the hell he was living.  Tina had explained to him that the leader of the Second Salemers beat all three of the children she adopted, but Credence always got the worst of it.  Percival never understood why.  Perhaps she could sense his power.  Perhaps she knew.  It was, after all, her fault that Credence developed the obscurus in the first place.  Maybe he  _ should _ stop blaming himself.  Maybe he could blame the woman who called herself a mother, but really shouldn’t have.  It would make sense after all.  If she wouldn’t have forced him to suppress and hide his powers, he wouldn’t have developed the obscurus, and he wouldn’t have died.  Then again, if he hadn’t developed the obscurus, he likely would not have met him.  Graves shook his head.  It seemed like a good idea in theory, but there were holes.

He wanted to stop blaming himself, he really did.  Unfortunately, he felt the need to blame someone, and it seemed like he was the only option that made sense.  Even though Picquery offered to take some of the blame, she was his closest friend, and he didn’t want to do that to her.

“How was your trip?” Seraphina asked, walking into his office a couple of days after he had returned.

“It was fine.  Nice to get away from work for a while,” he replied somewhat dismissively.

“Did it help at all?”

“A little.”

“Percival, you need to stop blaming yourself.  Please don’t do this to yourself.  I doubt Credence would want you to blame yourself.”

“The last memories he has of me is what Grindelwald was doing to him.  I would never have treated him that poorly.  I never would have used him for my own personal gain.  I never would have hit him.  I wanted to help him Seraphina.  I promised him I would.”

“If he knew what happened, if he knew what Grindelwald did to you, I think he would have forgiven you.”

“You don’t know that Seraphina.”

“If you explained what happened to him, you could tell him that this entire situation was out of your control.  You did everything right Percival, you were just unlucky.”

“Well ‘just unlucky’ is part of what lead to Credence’s death.”

“Part of?”

“The other part was Grindelwald, and the failure of  _ everyone _ at MACUSA to realize I was missing.”

“You are a private man Percival.  No one knows a lot about you.”

“I would have thought you of all people would have noticed.”

“I was busy with other matters.  He mimicked your personality almost to a t.  I guess he figured we would be so busy with his attacks in Europe and the creature that was terrorizing New York that we wouldn’t be paying enough attention to notice.”

“That ‘creature that was terrorizing New York’ was a terrified young man who was forced to suppress his powers.  This wasn’t his fault Seraphina, you know that.”

“I-”

“You gave the kill order.  Tina said her and Newt could have talked to him, they could have taken care of him.”

“Percival, we’ve gone over this.  I-”

“I know you did what you felt you had to, but there were other options.  Other options that would have not resulted in the death of an innocent young man.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily say-”

“He did nothing wrong Seraphina.”

“He killed at least three people Percival.”

“Two of them deserved it.”

“Percival, can you calm down for just a minute?”

“You’re making him seem like the bad person here. I don’t know if you knew this, but I cared about him.  I loved him Seraphina.  When Ilona died, I didn’t think I would find anyone else.  He taught me to love again.  You don’t know how hard it is to lose the one you love, the one you promised the rest of your life to, then years later, finally find someone else that you fall completely and irrevocably in love with, just to have them die too.”

“I’m so sorry Percival, I hadn’t realized-”

“It’s fine,” Graves said softly, calming down a bit.

“I know how hard Ilona’s death hit you.  I didn’t realize you cared this much about Credence.”

“Well, as you said, I’m not exactly the most open person.”

“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off,” Seraphina suggested, standing up.

“I’ll be fine.  Besides, I’ve already taken enough time off.  Someone needs to make sure no one in the wizarding community does anything stupid.  The only person I trust to do that is me.”

Seraphina smiled softly. “Fine.  You can stay if you want, but if you do decide you want to leave early, you are more than welcome to.”

“Thank you Seraphina.  Sorry I was a bit short with you earlier.  I-”

“Don’t worry about it Percival.  I know you’re still trying to recover from what Grindelwald did to you and still trying to make sense of what happened.”

“If you ever want to come talk, let me know, and I’ll do what I can to clear my schedule.”

“Thank you Seraphina.”

“You’re my closest friend, I want to do anything I can to help you.”

“That really does mean a lot Seraphina, thank you.”

“You’re welcome Percival.  I’ll let you be now, let me know if you need anything.”

“I will thank you.”

Seraphina turned and left the office, leaving Graves to his thoughts.  He stood up  and walked over to his jacket, taking out the letter he had written the previous month and walking back to his desk.  He folded both letters and put them in separate envelopes, grabbed his wand, and walked out of his office, locking the door behind him.

He left the Woolworth building where MACUSA was concealed and walked the same path he had everyday since he had returned from London.  By this point, he was almost on autopilot, making his way through the cemetery to the only person he cared about.  He knelt down and revived the wilted flowers before setting both letters next to the headstone.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been here for two months my love.  I guess the time off helped a little with trying to get me to stop blaming myself.  The man you thought was me.  The one Tina told you was using you.  She was right.  But that wasn’t me.  I hope you realize that I would never have used you, I never would have manipulated you.  When I said I would help you, I meant it,” Percival started, sitting down on the grass.  “I hate what happened to you.  I hate that you never got the life you deserved.  I hate that you were never able to reach your full potential.  I hate that I couldn’t have saved you.  There is one thing I can say though.  You are loved Credence.  God you are so loved.  I just wish I could have had more time to prove it to you.  If I could go back, if I could change what happened, if I could just see you and talk to you again, I would prove this to you.  You taught me to love again, and for that, I will forever be grateful to you.  I love you more than you know.  You changed my life my love.  You made me a better person.  The least I could have done was protect you, and I couldn’t even do that.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I’m a failure.  I’m sorry I failed you.”

Graves stood up and put his hand on the top of the headstone.  He looked at the ground, whispered  _ I’m sorry _ one last time and turned around to leave.  Crann, who at that point had been still, poked his head out of his pocket and climbed up to his shoulder.  Graves smiled ever so slightly and lifted his hand for the Bowtruckle to climb onto.  He made a note to thank the younger Scamander for the therapy Bowtruckle.

Maybe Seraphina was right.  Maybe he just had to stop blaming himself and learn to forgive himself for what happened to Credence.  He knew it would take time, but he would try.  He would try for Credence.


	6. The Sixth Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I love you guys, here's another chapter brought to you from somewhere in Eastern Pennsylvania on a bus. Apologies for any typos, the road is making my computer shake and I can barely see the words I'm typing. Anyway, the story continues :)

**Director Percival Graves** ****  
**Department of Magical Security** ****  
  


 

_ 15 August 1927 _ __   
_ My Dearest Credence, _ __   
  


_ Things have gotten slightly better.  I’ve calmed down a bit, and I’m starting to forgive myself.   I’ve finally started blaming myself less.  To be quite honest, as hard as it may be to believe, I think the only reason I’ve finally started healing is because of you. I’ve realized something since the last time I wrote you.  Seraphina may be right.  The last thing I want to do is feel like I’m failing you now.  I’m sorry I blamed myself.  I hope you’ll forgive me for everything I’ve done to hurt you.  Forgive me for not protecting you.  Forgive me for not working harder to defeat Grindelwald.  Forgive me for not taking care of you.  Forgive me for not teaching you.  Forgive me for not trying to get you out of that abusive environment sooner. _

_ I’m sorry.  I feel I’ve been apologizing a lot lately.  With what Grindelwald did to you, using my face to manipulate you and hurt you, I feel it’s the least I can do.  I swear I would never have hurt you the way he did.  You didn’t deserve that, especially with what you were going through at home. _

_ I think I’ll wait to visit until later next month.  Seraphina and I were able to do some research on you and your birth mother.  Coincidentally, your birth mother was a friend of Seraphina and I.  It took a lot of digging, but it was worth it.  I was able to find out your birthday, as well as your birth name.  I am going to try to come visit on your birthday.  I’m assuming you never really celebrated it.  You at least deserve something. _

_ It’s harder to stop blaming myself than I anticipated, but I’m working on it.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully stop blaming myself, but I’m going to try.  I’m trying for you. _

_ Not much has changed around MACUSA.  Aurors still don’t fully trust me, and I have somehow once again acquired a large amount of paperwork that no one else wants to do.  I don’t mind.  It keeps me busy, and it gives me even more reason to retire early or just quit outright.  Nothing has been the same since I’ve returned.  Ever since the Grindelwald incident, everyone has lost all respect for me.  I didn’t blame me for the first couple of months, but it’s been almost a year, and they have not budged, even though I have more than proven myself to be the real me.  If I quit though, I won’t have anything except for myself and Crann.  I suppose I have Seraphina, but I don’t want to bother her with petty things.  I know it’s been about 7 months since I found out you died, but I still miss you every day.  I know they say that time heals all wounds and absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I don’t think my wounds will ever heal. Between the physical and the emotional wounds, I think I’m set for life. _

_ Despite what people may have said to you when you were still alive, you are loved Credence.  You are more loved than you know, and I don’t want you to ever forget that. _

 

_ Yours forever, _

_ Percival Graves _

  
  


“You want help with that paperwork?” Tina asked stopping in the doorway of his office as she was walking by.

“That would be wonderful, thank you Ms. Goldstein,” Graves replied, sticking the letter in his desk drawer.

“The pile doesn’t seem as bad as it did when you first got back.”

“I suppose people just feel that if they have paperwork they are less than thrilled about completing I’ll be more than willing to complete it for them,” he added with an exasperated sigh.

“You really haven’t gotten much of a break from the other Aurors around here have you?”

“Most of them still don’t trust me.  It’s been several months, and I’ve more than proven myself to them.  I’m not Grindelwald.  I just wish they would believe that.”

“I would say give them time, but that doesn’t seem like it’s been working out too well.”

“Where did I go wrong?”

“What? I-”

“I must have done something.  At least the important people trust me.”

“Important-”

“You, your sister and Seraphina.  Be honest.  Have I done anything since I have been back that would cause people not to trust me?”

“Not that I’ve noticed.”

“Are you sure?”

“I would have told you if I noticed anything.”

Graves looked down.  “Thank you Ms. Goldstein,” he said quietly.

“Don’t doubt yourself Mr. Graves.  You and Madame Picquery are the two most powerful people here.  If other people don’t want to trust you, that’s their loss.  I know that coming back to work has been difficult, especially since nearly your entire department has trouble trusting you, but I’m sure they’ll start trusting you eventually.”

“Eventually is the key word there Ms. Goldstein.  To be honest, I have actually started considering early retirement,” he admitted, looking back up at her.

“Is it because of this?”

“It’s because of a lot of things, this being one of the biggest.  I can’t lead a department of people that don’t trust me.  We can’t get anything accomplished if they don’t trust that I do know what I’m doing and that I am not Grindelwald.”

“Have you talked to Madam Picquery about this?”

“She said she’s talked to them, but it doesn’t seem like it’s done much good.”

“Maybe she can try talking to them again?”

“She’s already tried multiple times to no avail.”

“It’s not like the Aurors to ignore something Madame Picquery tells them to do.”

“Maybe it’s just me.”

“That’s not true Mr. Graves.”

“How do you know that?”

“Like you said, the important people trust you.”

“Like I said, I can’t run a department where no one trusts me.”

“That’s a fair point.  When were you thinking of retiring?”

“I don’t think I’m going to until the end of the year.  I’ll let Seraphina know ahead of time so she has a chance to find someone to replace me.”

“As hard as it may be for you to believe, there are people here who respect you.  Although there are a lot of people who are intimidated by you, they still do respect you.”

“I’m not asking for respect here.  I just need people to trust me.  If they can’t do that, what kind of department am I running?”

“We don’t know how long Grindelwald was impersonating you, they just-”

“Too long.  He was impersonating me for too damn long before someone I never even  _ met _ finally figured something was up.  How do you explain that? How do you explain an entire  _ department  _ that I’ve known for years not knowing something was different?”

“N- nothing seemed different Mr. Graves.”

“That’s the same thing Seraphina said.  Not one person.  Not  _ one  _ person in this entire  _ office _ noticed anything was remotely different.”

“People are intimidated by you sir.  Besides, you keep to yourself.”

“You didn’t find it odd at all that I sentenced you and Mr. Scamander to death?”

“I- I thought it was a bit of a harsh punishment, but I accepted it.”

“You know I don’t do that unless I’m absolutely sure the person deserves it.”

“You seemed pretty sure.”

Graves sighed.  “Goddamn it Tina,” he paused.  “I’ll just finish this tomorrow, I’m leaving.  I’ll be back later, I just need some fresh air.”

“I guess I can take my lunch break now.  I can keep helping you when you get back.”

“That may not be necessary Ms. Goldstein.  Most of the pile is gone, it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am Ms. Goldstein, thank you for your help.”

Tina stood up and left the office without another word.

Graves realized he had perhaps been a bit short with the younger Auror and made a mental note to talk to her when he got back.  He grabbed the letter from his desk drawer and folded it, sliding it into an envelope, then sticking it in his pocket.  It was raining, so Graves picked up an umbrella on the way out and quickly cast a waterproofing spell on the letter so it would not get ruined.  He decided to apparate so he wouldn’t get caught in the rain.  

It had been raining quite frequently over the past couple of weeks, so the flowers that had been at the grave since the beginning were still looking healthy.  He crouched down next to the headstone and placed the letter in the normal spot.

“I can’t do this anymore.  I need to get out of this job.  I’m planning on waiting until the end of the year to quit so Seraphina can have plenty of time to find a replacement for me.  I can’t lead a department where no one trusts me,” he sighed.  “I’m sorry I’m ranting my love.  It’s just- there’s really no one else to talk to.  I would talk to Seraphina, but I don’t want to bother her with my problems.  I would talk to one of the Goldstein sisters, but I don’t trust them enough to help me with this.  I would talk to Mr. Scamander, but I haven’t seen him in months.  I would talk to Theseus, but it would take quite a while to get a response from him.  I know you can’t respond, but I must be honest, this helps a bit.  I would quit sooner, but I don’t want to put anymore of a burden on Seraphina.  Grindelwald’s attacks and him impersonating has put a great deal of pressure on MACUSA.  I know that this is still not necessarily a good time to retire, but I can’t do this anymore.  Not with what I’ve been through.  Maybe going back to work in the first place was a bad idea.  God, my life is a mess right now.  I don’t know what to do my love.  I just wish I could see you again, I just wish I could talk to you again.  I just wish I could take care of you.  I just wish I could protect you.  I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”

He stood up and put his hand on the top of the headstone and bowed his head, closing his eyes.  Looking back up, he apparated back to MACUSA headquarters.  The fresh air had been a welcome distraction from work.  Once he entered the building, he quickly made his way to Tina’s office, knocking on the door when he got there.

“It’s open,” a voice from inside called.

Graves carefully opened the door and stepped inside.

“Mr. Graves,” Tina greeted him.

“Ms. Goldstein.  I just wanted to apologize for earlier.  I’ve been under quite a bit of stress lately, and I’m still recovering from my imprisonment,” Graves replied softly.  “And with what happened to Credence, I’ve just been a bit off.”

“I don’t blame you sir.  I know you cared for Credence.”

“It was a bit more than that,” he admitted.

“Oh?”

“I loved him.  I wanted to help him.  I wanted to protect him, but I couldn’t.  I still blame myself for his death.”

“I- I had no idea.  I’m so sorry sir.”

“It’s not your fault Ms. Goldstein.  You and Mr. Scamander did what you could to save him.”

“I still wish we could have saved him.  I don’t agree with what Madame Picquery did, and neither does Newt, but what’s done is done.  If I could go back, I would have done something differently.  I wanted to save him, I really did.  He didn’t deserve to be living with that wretched woman.”

“I agree.  If she wasn’t already dead, I would go kill her myself.  Someone like that does  _ not  _ deserve to be called a mother.”

“I agree,” Tina paused.  “I’m sorry to change the subject, but I have to get back to work, I have something that Madame Picquery needs me to get done by tomorrow.”

“Of course.  I’ll let you get back to work.”

“Let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you Ms. Goldstein,” Graves said turning and walking out of her office, then making the short trek to his own office.  He unlocked the door and walked in, taking his jacket off and setting it on the coatrack by the window.  Sighing, he walked to his desk and opened the top drawer, taking out the newspaper clipping Tina had given him months earlier.

Looking more closely at the picture, he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before.  He could finally see the tortured  soul, the frightened boy Credence managed to keep so well hidden.  If he had seen it earlier, he could have saved him.  Graves shook his head.  He was blaming himself again.  He couldn’t do that.  He promised Credence he wouldn't.

“I’m sorry my love,” he said to the picture.  “I know I said I wouldn’t blame myself anymore, but it’s just too difficult.  It’s part of who I am, but I swear I will continue to try.  I’ve decided to hand in my resignation letter to Seraphina next month.  This will give her a couple of months to find someone to replace me.  I haven’t decided what I’m going to do when I resign, but I’ll figure something.  Maybe I’ll do some research on the obscurus, and obscurials.  I wish I had known more when I met you, when I was taking care of you.  I just want to make sure no one else suffers the way you did.  I’ll do whatever I can to make sure other young witches and wizards do not have to suffer the way you did, I promise.”

He knew it would be difficult, but not having to see anyone suffer the way Credence did because of the obscurus would make every bit of effort worth it.


	7. The Seventh Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, here's another chapter, I honestly didn't think it would be this long. I'll probably be finished with the entire fic within the next month or two.

**Director Percival Graves** ****  
**Department of Magical Security** ****  
  


 

_ 30 September 1927 _

_   
_ _ My Dearest Credence, _

_ Happy birthday my love.  If I would have known when your birthday was last year, I would have done something for you.  No one deserves to be alone on their birthday.  I brought you something you would have liked.  I know you won’t be able to see it, but I know you would have liked it. _

_ I’m talking to Seraphina today about resigning.  I can’t take this anymore.  The distrust masked by pitiful looks, it’s quite a bit insulting actually.  I have proved time and time  again since I’ve been back that I am not Grindelwald.  I continue to tell them I’m not and ask what I have to do to prove it to them, but they continue to dismiss me.  I don’t know what else to do Credence.  I lost you, I won’t have my job in a couple of months, and I don’t have any family left.  I guess I’m just meant to be alone.  Credence my love, I’m lost.  I have nothing. _

_ You were innocent my love.  You were rejected by the wizarding community, and I’m sorry for that.  I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to help you before I was taken.  You are a wizard Credence, our community should not have rejected you.  Our community should have helped you, we should have taken care of you.  The moment I realized your power, I should have gotten you out of that horrid living environment.  I made mistakes.  My mistakes are what led to your death.  I’m sorry Credence.  I know I’ve been apologizing quite frequently, but you deserve an apology.  You didn’t ask for any of this, and I feel I could have stopped the abuse sooner, but I didn’t. _

_ The world can be so cruel sometimes.  It took you too young.  It didn’t help you when you needed it the most.  It abandoned you.  It abandoned us both.  If you were here my love, I promise I would do everything I could to help you.  I would do everything to make you happy, and to make sure you have the life you deserve. _

_ I’m beginning to question myself.  I’m beginning to question whether or not I should quit.  I want to, I can’t stand it, and I don’t want to worry about letting people like you down again.  Then again, if I do quit, I have nothing.  First I lost Ilona, now you.  I have no one, I have nothing.  I wish you could have had more time.  I wish I could have had more time to help you.  I know it doesn’t do well to dwell in the past, but it’s difficult not to. _

_ I love you Credence, and I promise that will never change.  I just wish we could have had more time. _

 

_ Yours forever, _

_ Percival Graves _

 

Graves put the letter in his top desk drawer, then put his elbows on his desk and his face in his hands.  It would be difficult for him to find something to do once he left MACUSA, but he would figure something out.  He sighed and stood up, then left his office, locking it behind him and making his way to Seraphina’s office.

The president of MACUSA was his closest friend, so he figured this conversation wouldn’t be as difficult as it would have been for someone else.  When he got to her office, he knocked on the door and waited for a response.

“Come in,” a voice on the other side of the door responded.

Graves opened the door and walked in, closing the door behind him.

“Seraphina, I need to talk to you about something,” he said, walking to her desk and sitting in one of the chairs.

Seraphina looked up from her paperwork and smiled, her expression turning to concern when she thought she could sense his urgency.  “Is something wrong?”

“No, I’m sorry if I gave off that impression.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure Seraphina, nothing’s wrong.”

“Alright, if you’re sure.  What can I help you with?”

“I’m done.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m done.  I can’t do this anymore.”

“Percival-”

“I’m resigning.  Not until December, but I wanted to give you enough advanced warning so you could find a replacement for me before I leave.  I know now may not be a good time for this, but I can’t work with people that don’t trust me.  I can’t work with people who actively try to avoid me.”

“Percival, I can talk-”

“You’ve already tried that Seraphina, so I doubt that’s going to do a lot of good now.”

“Have you figured out what you’re doing after this yet?”

“No.  I may retire and do God knows what at this point.”

“Are you sure about this Percival?”

“To be quite honest, I’m not sure about anything anymore.  I lost Ilona, I lost Credence, I’ve lost everyone important to me.  You’re still my friend Seraphina, but they were different.  I loved them.  Credence taught me to love again, and all I learned from losing him was that maybe I’m meant to die alone.  Maybe I’m not meant to be loved by anyone.”

“Percival, that’s not true, you know that.  You’ve just had bad luck.  Don’t think that these two losses means you are doomed to die alone.”

“I’m 40 Seraphina.  At this point, I doubt there is anyone that would want me.  I’m a private person, you said so yourself.  I’m a workaholic, I’m not a ‘people-person.’  Ilona and Credence were the only people who loved me for who I am.  They understood me.”

“I know they did Percival, but you are not alone.  I promise you are not alone.  I’m saying this as a friend, you will find love, I know you will.  I know it doesn’t seem like you will, but you should give it time.  I’m not saying you’re going to find anyone in the next month, but you will find someone.  I know it won’t be easy.  I know you were very close to both Ilona and Credence, but you don’t have to give up on love.”

“You seem very sure about that.”

“Percival, you’re my friend, I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“I know Seraphina, it’s just I-”

“You are one of the kindest people I know.  If people could just see you for who you really are, they would understand that. You are not a bad person Percival, you know that.”

“I let him die Seraphina.  I let him suffer.”

Seraphina sighed. “Percival, you need to stop blaming yourself, please stop blaming yourself.  I’m the one that gave the kill order.  If you want to blame anyone, blame me.”

“Seraphina, we’ve been over this, I’m not blaming you for this.  Now can we please change the subject?”

“I’m sorry, I know this must be difficult for you, and I just want you to know that I’m here if you want to talk.”

“Thank you Seraphina, I appreciate that.”

“Are you sure about retirement?”

“I wouldn’t necessarily call it that.  I’m too damn young to retire.”

Seraphina smiled. “You’ve been working here for almost 20 years, you could call it retirement if you wanted.”

Graves smiled for the first time in a while. “I may do that.  I mean, I’m 40 and I’m already going grey.”

“You do have a stressful job.”

“Not as stressful as yours.”

“Our jobs are both stressful in their own ways.”

“Thank you for being so understanding.”

“You’re welcome.  Did you have anyone in mind?”

“I haven’t put much thought into it, but if you are looking for suggestions, might I suggest Ms. Goldstein?”

“Tina?”

“You said she helped with the Grindelwald incident.”

“I will add her to the list of considerations.”

“She is a fully capable auror, I think she would do well.  I should know, I was her mentor.”

“As I said, I’ll consider her.  Thank you for giving me so much time to find a replacement.”

“I figured you could use it, especially with all of the paperwork you still have.”

“Have you been to visit Credence yet?”

“I have not, I’m going when I’m done here.  It’s his birthday.  He would have turned 22.  I waited this month so I could visit him on his birthday.”

“If you’d like company, I am more than willing to go with you.  That is, if you would like the company.”

“Thank you Seraphina, that would be wonderful.  I just need to go get the letter I wrote.  Would you like to meet in the lobby in ten minutes?”

“Sure, I’ll just finish these last few pages, then I’ll be up there.”

Graves stood up and walked to the door, opening it and stepping out of the office before turning back to look at Seraphina.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For what you’ve been doing to help me.  For being my friend.”

“Percival, I’ve known you for almost 30 years.  You’ll always be my friend, and I’ll always help you.”

With a nod, Graves left and walked back to his office, grabbing the letter and folding it into thirds.  He took an envelope and put the letter in it, sealing it and putting it in his jacket pocket. Sighing, he left his office again and locked it, walking up to the lobby and sitting on a bench, waiting for Seraphina.

After a couple of minutes, he saw her walking up the stairs.  He stood up and walked over to meet her.

“Thank you for coming with me,” he said, turning his head slightly to look at her as they left the building and started walking to the cemetery.

Seraphina smiled. “I thought you could use the company.”

“I really do appreciate it.”

They walked in silence to Credence’s grave, where Graves kneeled down and revived the wilted carnations and added a new group of similar flowers next to them.  He placed the letter in front of the headstone and put his hand on top of it.

Seraphina put her hand on his shoulder.   “Are you okay?”

Graves nodded silently.

“Happy birthday my love,” he started, taking a small box from another pocket in his jacket and putting it next to the letter.  “I just wish you were here, so I could do something for you.  I promise you if you were here, I would do everything I could to make sure you had the life you deserved.  You didn’t deserve to live with that vile woman.  You didn’t deserve the abuse.  You deserved to be loved.  You deserved to be taken care of.  I wish I could have saved you.  I wish I could have stopped the abuse sooner.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.  I’m sorry I couldn’t teach you.  I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.  I’m sorry my love.”

Graves sighed and stood up, bowing his head and closing his eyes.

“Percival-”

“I loved him Seraphina,” he said quietly.

“I know you did Percival, and I know you hate yourself for letting him down.  I also know he wouldn’t want you to be doing this to yourself.”

“How?  How do you know that?”

“He’s free from pain now.  He’s free from abuse.”

“He’s dead Seraphina.  I could have saved him, I could have helped him.”

“Please don’t blame yourself Percival.  I know you want to, but it’s not going to do anything.  It’s not going to bring him back.”

“I just want to see him again.  I just want him to know that he was loved, that I loved him.”

“I know you did Percival, and I’m sure he knew that.”

“I don’t know Seraphina.”

“You were kind to him.  You showed him affection that no one else did.  You cared for him, you cared  _ about _ him.”

“I need to go after him.”

“Go after- Percival, that’s a bad idea, and you know that.”

“I promised him I would.”

“You’re going to get yourself killed.  What good would that do?”

“I’d be with Credence again.  That’s the good it would do.”

“Percival, you can’t take on Grindelwald on his own.”

“I’ll take a team of Aurors.”

“That’s still a suicide mission.  He’s powerful.”

“He’s in prison Seraphina.”

“They wouldn’t let you in to see him.  Percival, please just let this go.”

“He hurt Credence.  He used my face to hurt Credence.”

“Percival-”

“Credence didn’t deserve any of this.”

“I know he didn’t, but you need to stop doing this to yourself.  Why don’t you take tomorrow off and take some time to calm down and get yourself in order.”

“I don’t need-”

“Percival,” Seraphina said, putting her hand on his shoulder. “Don’t argue, just take the day off.”

“I- thank you.”

“When we go back, why don’t you grab your things and go home.  Have you been sleeping?”

“Not well, no.”

“You need to sleep, okay?  Please go home and rest.  Come back Monday when you’ve had some time to rest.”

Graves nodded silently. “Thank you Seraphina.”

“As I said, I will do anything I can to help.”

“I appreciate that, I really do.  I just don’t want to seem like I’m not doing my job.”

“Grindelwald put you through hell.  On top of that, you’re still dealing with losing Credence.  If anyone has a problem with the time you’ve been taking off, they can come talk to me directly.”

Graves nodded, and they apparated back to MACUSA.

“I suppose I should go grab my things then go home.”

“As I said, please let me know if you need anything from me.”

“Thank you,” Graves said quietly, walking to his office and grabbed his bag before turning to leave again.  He locked his door behind him and started heading up to the lobby.  As he reached the top of the stairs, he was stopped by one of the younger Aurors.

“Wh- where are you off to sir?” he asked.

Graves silently groaned before replying. “Home.  Does everyone need to know my whereabouts now?”

“Why?”

“Why am I going home?”

“Yes.” 

“Because of people like you.  Never trusting me.  For the last time, I am  _ not _ Grindelwald, and I just wish you people would recognize that.”

“It’s not our fault.  We’re just a bit nervous.”

“Nervous?  For the last 9 months since I’ve been found?  Grindelwald is in prison, and I’m here.  What more proof do you want?”

“We’re just scared that you might-”

“That I might what?  I don’t have time for this Mr. Langford.  If you have any issues, go speak with the president, I know she’ll be more than willing to explain why I’ve been taking time off occasionally,” Graves said, his tone turning cold.

“I-”

“Goodbye,” he said glaring at the young Auror, then turning to walk out the doors.

Graves walked into a nearby ally and apparated to his apartment, making sure the door was locked, then collapsing on the small couch in the living room.  He sighed and put his elbows on his legs and his face in his hands.  Every day was torture.  Every day there was the same evidence of distrust.  Every day he had to live with what Grindelwald had done to him.  Every day he had to live with what happened to Credence.  Hopefully, Seraphina was right.  Hopefully, sleep would help.  

Things would never be the same, but he wasn’t asking for them to be.  He was just asking for things to improve, even slightly.  Even though he knew things would not get back to anywhere remotely near the way they were before, he held out the slightest hope that things would get better.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written something like this in a long time, please don't hate me too much. More chapters to come soon.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: gravebonetrashcan or winters-s0ldier


End file.
